I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
