sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
