Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
