I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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