Don't make out with my wife yet
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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