Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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