Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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