I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
