I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
