Your mouth is God's brothel.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
