tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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