My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
