I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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