You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
