So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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