when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
