ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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