just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
