remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I did not marry a roomba.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
