Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
