Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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