3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
