he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I wish there were birth control emojis
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
