the condom got lost in my hair
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
