Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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