I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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