i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
