I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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