I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
