Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
