I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Randomize
