My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
