I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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