Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
