No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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