God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
