Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
