I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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