TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
