I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
