I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
did i just pee glitter
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
