This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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