i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
