The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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