i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
