Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
