you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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