We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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