You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
