are you still at the devil's house?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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