Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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