i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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